My Memories Are Not For Sale!
Not many days, that I had this fleeting thought- "I so wish certain things wouldn't have happened in my life. And even if they did, why can't I just forget them and wipe that part of the slate clean, so I can be happier."
And while this thought lasted for exactly half a second, I realised soon after- "I think I would never trade my memories, even for the most precious thing the world could offer." Sounds stupid? I mean, I know how many of us constantly try to erase the painful or the guilty part of our lives. And here I am, asking for it to stay, at least till I breathe my last. Not like I am a sadist who likes holding the painful part, but a human who believes my memories (good or painful) are what shaped me over the years. It is like my huge personal library where I know which book is kept exactly where, and can refer to it whenever I feel a little lost. It has a gallery of faces I would like to remember, and a map of failures that guides me with exactly what not to do.
In a world where one wishes to forget the bad that happened to them, and things get out of their mind, I would not pay for anything with my memory. Because there is a huge cost of forgetting!
This Trade Off Means Triple Threat: Emotions, Logic And Direction
Okay, my memory is more vibrant and loaded than you know! I have experienced safety, pain, grief, loss, fear, celebrations, love, betrayal, hope, hopelessness, peace, dreams, confusion, anger, happiness and everything in between. So believe me when I say that my memory serves more than just playing a nostalgic playback loop of moments. It is my primary go-to place for navigation when I face a crossroads. I highly depend on my memory data to make a rational decision.
So if I trade even one of them, it will mean repeating the same mistake in the present, or worse, not knowing how I came this far. That's like someone kidnaps you, blindfolds you, takes you cross-country and leaves you in Vegas. And now you are here, not knowing what to do, who to call, because you don't have a memory. And now you enter a Casino because everyone else is doing so, but with no money. You're eventually thrown out because Vegas doesn't run on charity. So technically, you are lost now. That's the same case with no memories- don't remember your past? Good luck with making sense of the present.
My point is, your memory shapes all that you do. It provides you with the bandwidth of emotions. It is easier for me to understand the grief of losing a loved one because I have felt it too. Have I not held the memory of it, I am sure I would have been calling others "dramatic." Loss in love? I want to hold that memory close, too! Well, it was also my memory of the first time being in love and knowing that "love" is not a fleeting thought. It can be felt, expressed, and, in case of loss, makes you a better writer. Jokes apart, it made me more empathetic.
If Not For Memory, Who Do I See In The Mirror?
So the other day, someone told me, "I don't remember my childhood. And whatever little I remember, it feels like a memory from such a distant past that I can't imagine myself in it."
Disclaimer: This person didn't have dementia.
And there I was, sitting and wondering how scary it would be for someone to not have even a single significant memory from their childhood. Because they tried so hard to just wipe it off. If I have to take it on myself, not remembering my childhood is like altering my fundamental nature. Forget about convincing me to "sell" it for any profits! But not remembering the old me is like losing all my strength and confidence. If I lose a joyful memory, I might lose my capacity for hope. If I lose a traumatic memory, I might fall into the trap again, or worse, I would never understand what pain feels like. That also means losing my empathy and understanding of fellow humans. This also means my life would not be as it looks right now. Not to jinx it, but I do love how my life looks right now.
Not having my memory as an anchor would turn me into a person I likely wouldn't recognise, and certainly wouldn't want to be. I would be a "hollowed-out" version of myself, reacting to the world without the context of experience.
The Black Hole I Don't Want To Be a Part of!
A black hole is a region in space with gravity so intense that nothing, not even light, can escape, formed from the collapse of massive stars where matter is crushed into a single point (singularity).
A black hole in your brain is a space where the force to forget and crush something is so strong that nothing, not even a thought or incidence, can get out, nor can it be accessed as a memory. Not even a fragment of it is alive. More like trading your memory for a hollow space.
The one about black holes is from an internet source. I made the other one up!
Trading my memory for something is like questioning the 'WHY' behind my own existence. Why do I eat this way, why do I behave this way, from where all this anger is coming, why I like doing certain things over others, and the thoughts go on.
Memory is what makes my life worth living. If anything, I revisit them with kindness and protect them from stress and erosion in the busy world. So if memory ever becomes a currency, I would probably choose to stay "poor" in pocket, but save it to stay "rich" in experience.